The Rewardless Paradox

Because by nature, no paradox should ever be rewarding. Then it isn’t a paradox.

I lead a very miserable existence. Somehow, all that progress I made over the years wasn’t exactly progress. Or at least, not to me. Then again, it all depends on what you consider progress and the inevitable end goal. Using common preconceptions of success, I would qualify. But I really want more. Not more of everything, just the one goal that I’ve lacked forever. It’s hard being alone.

You build a paradise by putting in the work. I can say I’ve done that, and I can’t say I’ve done that. I’ve mastered a craft that should have helped me, but that craft hasn’t helped me. I get frustrated when I do the math to find that the equation is still unbalanced. I feel like I’ve suffered for so many years just to end up alone. It’s only in recent months that I’ve opted to become a hermit. The sight of people pisses me off because they all have what I want and they didn’t earn it. You have some who’ve been in relationships at will. Fuck them. You have people who are freshly out of relationships. Fuck them. There is no comparison to what I’ve gone through, and I’m tired as fuck of people trying to relate. There is no relating to this until you’ve lived through it.

And then, I haven’t suffered. Can I really say that I’ve gone out of my comfort zone to meet new girls? Can I really say that I’ve given people second chances after my initial gut punch tells me to dismiss them? Can I really say that I give maximum effort when I go to salsa? No.

The benefits of being me include being able to slink into a graduate program without exactly having the easiest application process. In a few weeks, I’ll begin at Cal State Fullerton, which was and was not a surprise. I knew the company I kept would help me out, and yet, there was still a bit of joy when I got my acceptance letter a week ago. I was happy for all of ten minutes. Then, I went back to being miserable. Fullerton is a bit of a party school, and with my luck, I won’t find a single party. I’ll have another opportunity to reinvent myself, but since I’m so comfortable and confident that this personality will work (it will!), I’ll leave with a degree, and regret. Just like Long Beach. This shit is not fun at all.

I can’t state the last time I went out and had a good time via organic means. Yes, I like movies. Yes, I like wrestling. But those are things that make me happy within themselves; it’s not like I’ll go out of my way to see a shitty movie or wrestling show. I can’t rely on salsa people as friends because they either have their own agendas and/or they’re too stupid to live. I thought about going dancing last night, shaved, prepared, then realized that I would be doing myself a major disservice if I stepped out the house. My depression is very bad, worse than I once thought. It’s manageable, but not by much. If I got hit by a car or some accident, I would offer a strong, terse DNR if possible. The only reason I haven’t offed myself because I’m waiting for the law of averages to finish the job.

It’s one thing to look at the math, but being reminded of it sucks. At the bonfire, the common refrain was “I wish it didn’t get to you as much as it does.” Wouldn’t the smarter, better thing to say be “let me set you up with a friend?” Stop glossing over the problem and attack the roots. I’ll never say I wish I wasn’t depressed, because that’s only the result of the problem. The problem, of course being, I want a girlfriend. If I can’t have that, death. It sure as hell beats the drea of knowing that each day, I’ll be bored and alone. Skibbedebebop. Much later.

Current Track – Blues Saraceno “Evil Ways (Justice Mix)”

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Her Wedding Day

Today, Victoria is taking the holy vows of matrimony. Or in simpler terms, she’s getting married. That seems to be the growing trend these days of people my age. I would’ve been invited to the ceremony if I made an effort to stick around. Naturally, I didn’t. Happy events depress me more than my normal slightly suicidal levels I deal with. Besides, Vickie was my first love. Sure, you can make an argument that Emma, Christine, Pippa, or even Amanda from Dana had that role, but Victoria was the only one that I tried to be a better person for. I’m talking teetotaling, no swearing, and ironing my clothes. That, and engineering a complete salsa hostile takeover. I was complicit in crashing Cash America’s system so I could audition and place myself on the team’s board.

 

Gee…that sounds awful when I vocalize it.

 

Fast forward four years, and you have a wedding. The last time I saw her, I avoided her. I relived every moment we had just by looking at her. There was more good than bad. Hanging out at the lighthouse and blowing Pippa off to do so. Getting my friends to dance with her because I wanted to go outside and smoke an imaginary cigarette. Looking up how to become Catholic.

 

And now, she’s getting married to someone else.

 

I believe that winning and losing has a large hand due to luck as it does skill. It’s a testament to who we are that we learn which battles to fight and which ones to avoid. Yeah, my testament is taking all fights, even on short notice. In return, I’ve been dealt severe losses. Some times, we are destined to lose, because the story can’t progress without a roadblock. If I won everything I wanted, life would be boring. I couldn’t appreciate it all if I didn’t face an obstacle. Unfortunately, meeting and losing Victoria was necessary. The lesson I was supposed to learn? To be determined. Congrats, Victoria. Skibbedebebop. Much later.

 

Current Track – Imagine Dragons “Radioactive”

Phone Blues

After an unnecessary prolonged battle with Virgin Mobile, I am now in possession of a working phone. It’s a beast, really. Not sure if I know how to use it, or even if I will bother to learn how to use it. I’m a little bummed that I had to throw away my 11 year relationship with my phone company because they sold shitty wares and had deplorable customer service. But that’s life. You can’t necessarily expect people to give a damn when they have no true incentive to do so. I wasn’t going to start a civil uprising over a prepaid carrier. Who would? Bingo.

I started to wonder why I would get another phone anyway, since I don’t exactly light the world on fire in terms of popularity. I’ve done a good job over the years of ignoring the things that bother me. Or at least, compartmentalizing my disgust. Lately, I’ve been unable to hide it. Scary prospect that I’m not in complete control of my thoughts. I went through my contacts, and saw a grand total of five contacts that I regularly talk to. I found two former interests, and sent them texts since I haven’t spoken with them since…before my phone killed itself. One didn’t respond, the other responded forcefully in the negative. Damn. That stung. I can’t really say that any interaction I’ve had with a girl ended on a positive note. There’s a bit of logic in that, since if there was positivity, it probably would not have ended.

Am I a shitty person? Probably. When bugged by my friends, I constantly ask myself “why do I have friends?” Oh yeah, I forgot; I’m a gamer. I’m down for anything at anytime, which makes me valuable in the long run. Although, I’m a bit unnerved when people are offended by my personality when they’ve said and done far worse things that I’ve yet to call them out on. Bastards. Anyhow, still shocked how I have friends. Amazed, really. I came to the conclusion that most of my friends’ friends have to be complete morons if they still choose to want my company. Seriously, I commit faux pas after faux pas, willingly, knowing that it is going to end horribly. Yet, I still do it. Too conscious for my own good, he says. Walking embodiment of Deadpool, I say. It makes no sense. None whatsoever. I guess one of these days, my luck will run out. Someone will want to kill a real-life comic book character.

In somewhat confusing logic, this brings me back to my efforts with women. Have I truly put in any effort finding a girlfriend? I’m not sure, these days. Flings have come and gone, and I could’ve made a more concerted effort not to screw things up. Sometimes, I could’ve avoided screwing things up before they began. I’ve asked a couple girls out at salsa, but I was met with indifference and rejection. Outside of that, I don’t go to bars, never asked my friends to set me up (because dear Lord, I know it can’t happen), and I have a set routine of activities I like to do. Scratch that, I did recruit a friend to help set me up, but he failed me twice. He doesn’t really know that he’s outlived his usefulness. Fuck. I’ve tried, I think. Trying harder seems difficult, and doing nothing comes across as lazy. I’m confused. I think I need a divine intervention or else I will be dying alone. Love isn’t blind…it’s retarded. Skibbedebebop. Much later.

Current Track – The Lonely Island “Go Kindergarten”

Deactivated

Sometime around midnight, I took my Facebook page down. If you would’ve asked me back in middle school whether that would be a big deal, I’d guess my response would be “what’s a Facebook?” Anyhow, I wonder how many of my friends will find me here. I’m guessing all of them.

HA.

Each defeat brings me one step closer to the edge. Or at least, it used to bring me one step closer to the edge. I’m officially at the edge. I’m not sure what makes Aiyana more special than any of the other girls I’ve pursued. I can’t exactly say that she is more special than any of the others. What I can say is that she was the last in the long line of failures. And I guess that designation does make one special. I just came to the conclusion that I’m tired of being around people who are happier than me, yet less deserving. I don’t mean to play the victim, but I’ve suffered. Hard. Long and hard. For what? To go 25 years alone? What sense does that make? I’ve seen druggies, alcoholics, delinquents, lazy bums, and the like all find girlfriends, meaningful relationships, and companionship, while I’m left to navel gaze? I call bullshit. I’ve been the good friend for so damn long that I’m…tired of being the good friend. I’d rather live up to the asshole title that I had to adopt or else the criticism would be too much. I’ve grown contemptuous of people for some time, and I can’t even pretend to fake camaraderie. I bluntly told someone who’s been something of a mentor to me “fuck you, and everything you stand for.” Basic words considering my lexicon, but it was a shocker. I took off my shoes, left the club, without a way for anyone to get in contact with me. That’s one of the benefits of not having a working phone, I suppose. Yet, I do look forward to getting a working phone in the next couple of days. I can’t watch the NBA Finals without Twitter. For seven years, I’ve been salsa’s curator. My reward has been extremely lacking. I didn’t sign up for friends; not that vain. I didn’t sign up for fame; eviscerating classmates did the trick. I didn’t sign up for glory; outsmarting Bill Cosby can leave all other trophies worthless by comparison. I signed up to find a girlfriend. That didn’t happen, so there needs to be a split, be it temporary or permanent. Something has to change. Skibbedebebop. Much later.

Current Track – Nobuo Uematsu “One Winged Angel”

After Midnight

Last Friday, Before Midnight was released. I’ve waited quite a few years for this film, ever since I accidentally stumbled on Before Sunrise, and subsequently fell in love with Before Sunset. Few movies operate in real time, so seeing the story age with the characters was a unique experience. Plus, add in the phenomenal story and you have a recipe for the best romance movie ever, and my personal favorite film. It topped Almost Famous, which I thought was the be-all, end-all of movies. My personal goal was to have a date for the movie, and to my surprise, I had one.

Until she cancelled on me after midnight the day before.

I ended up seeing the movie alone, but I bought out the screening so I could truly watch it alone. It was a bit lonely and sad, seeing as I thought “The One” had gotten away, yet again, rinse, lather, repeat. Another defeat for the scorecard. But the movie was good, and I spent my weekend relaxing with my old salsa gang, since the band was truly breaking up. Graduations mean we are growing old. So much to ponder. But we partied like it was 2009 all over again. We didn’t have the full roster, but we did things that made our past selves proud.

And then, I had my first awkward moment in years. I ran into the girl who jilted me. I haven’t gone dancing on Mondays in ages, and last night was my impetus not to do so in the future. I was telling the story of what happened, and she walked through the door. Very odd sight to see me quiet, and everyone knew something epic transpired. She sat next to me, I said nothing, but my face betrayed my stoicism.  I caved and asked her what she wanted, and she replied friendship saving her a song. I said okay on both counts to acknowledge her words. I had no intention of complying with either request. Besides, I was in no condition to dance since her presence effectively killed my mojo. I skipped out early, and waved farewell to her and my other friends. When asked my reason, I bluntly stated that her presence screwed me up. I knew then the Jericho schedule loomed. When I returned home, I wrote her a missive explaining what happened and why we couldn’t be friends. I’m not a fan of those letters, but I’m quite good at writing them, and the rules come first. I wonder how awkward things will be in the future. Maybe I’ll be too busy writing the next letter to know. Skibbedebebop. Much later.

Current Track – AFI “Prelude 12/21”

Twenty-Fuck Years of Age

I turned twenty-five. Still single. Damn.

As many of you should know by now, I loathe my birthday. I haven’t coherently celebrated it since 1994 when the Green Ranger showed up at my party and gave me the Dragon Dagger. I’ve never been fond of celebrating because this is the time when school and work get real. Standardized testing, final papers, presentations, AP exams, and very intense work issues prevent me from enjoying the fact that I eluded another assassination attempt. Every year, this day means I’m about to go for a ride that leaves me feeling numb. Today’s no different, since I’m scheduled for a meeting to discuss windows (roughly 1300 at last count) that I designed, yet were installed installed incorrectly, and someone wants a warranty because of their stupidity. And I’m tying my tie knowing full well this would be a lot easier if Virgin Mobile didn’t decide to screw me out of phone service. Not to mention the fact that I’ve never wanted my birthday off since I’ve always been alone. I’ve asked for the same thing for my birthday and Christmas for years, and never got it, so this isn’t a particularly a day I look forward to since birthday sex has never been in the equation ( he says semi-sarcastically…okay, not sarcastically at all, he’s REALLY not happy about that). In fact, I walk around depressed for seven months of the year when all these holidays hit that are couple friendly, starting at Halloween and ending today. It’s like clockwork to be honesty. But there is a bright side to all of this. I wake up today knowing that somehow, my situation is going to get worse. There’s going to be an unforseen crisis that could only happen to me, and I’m going to need a way to talk myself out of it. It will make great fodder for a story later, which I’ll ponder “why are these people laughing at a situation that obviously caused me multiple panic attacks?” Then I’ll remember that I have panic attacks all the time due to, well, the price of being me. I can’t say I’m not proud of being able to state “I’m fine” on the inside while muttering “ohnonotagain” on the inside. If you watch the hamsters in my head, they’re on the best meth money can buy, because that’s the only way I can continue doing what I do and still say “eh, it’ll get worse later.” People have goal lists of some sort and check things off when they’ve accomplished goals. I have a list that includes everything from “getting a principal fired” to “outsmart Bill Cosby” to “defeat the world’s best chess player”, and this is all crap I’ve done before I was 11 years old. Naturally, I find myself asking “did I peak before puberty?” The answer is yes. I’ll never be as awesome as I was before puberty. As I add and scratch things off my list (after the fact; I didn’t know visiting Madison Square Garden was on my list until I did it), I look at the other side of the list of things to do, and it reads like it has for years: “get a girlfriend”. The more things change, the more they stay the same. As if it couldn’t get any worse, I hear rain outside; I can’t drop the top on my drive to Beverly Hills. So, on this day, I’d like for you to wish a very special Anthony a happy birthday. You know, Tony Blair, former British Prime Minister (not sarcastically, he was a great leader and we share a birthday). Say a prayer for the troops, do something awesome, and never take a risk that wouldn’t result in a hilarious aside later. As for me, I’m waiting for my favorite day of the year, May 7th. I’ll work on my graphic novel, hoping today I can finally write the line where I superkick God and there’s not an earthquake or power outage in my room. *drops microphone*

And my family bought a birthday cake and ate it without me.

Current Track – Civil Twilight “Human”

Three Years

As of 12:01am, my restraining order ended.

I don’t know how to sum up my thoughts on the matter. There are a few truths that I can state.

1. I’m glad that I won’t have to answer questions about a girl whenever the police pull me over for driving while black.
2. Each time I tell the story, I’m a bit more crushed. Definitely a painful chapter without any true consequences.
3. I’ll always wonder “what if” concerning if I had stayed away, especially regarding grad school.
4. I wasn’t demonized at all by people who knew me. This still shocks me for obvious reasons.
5. I wonder if I’ll be able to trust a woman in a romantic capacity.
6. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to find a woman in a romantic capacity.
7. If repeating history is enough to break curses, I hope my return to Arizona destroyed ghosts.
8. Skylar and I were probably headed for a split before this happened. I’m going to assume this event did us both a favor.
9. I had too much self-examination. I could really go without it for the next few years.
10. I no longer need to name each belt after a girl that I pursued.
11. Blood is thicker than water, and still waters run deep. That should mean something by now.
12. If we stayed together, I probably wouldn’t have been committed to losing weight.
13. Salsa is the cause of every problem I’ve had since 2006.
14. I’ll never know everything about how other people think, and that bugs me.
15. When bad things happen, catch your breath and carry on. The world won’t end without your permission.
16. Rose tinted glasses aren’t a bad way of looking at things, and pictures should be treasured.
17. I know you’re reading this, Pippa. While I hope that we will talk again one day, I understand that may never happen. I still love you, and thank you for the time we shared.

Skibbedebebop. Much later.

Current Track – The Used “Yesterday’s Feelings”