I get sad when I look at the current state of things. A promising academic career paused. Not as much money as I’m accustomed to spending. And more or less, my lovelife being the punchline to an extremely cruel joke. Some days, it doesn’t bother me as much. Other days, the talk of couples costumes and nights not spent alone get to me. Today is one of those times.
I met Jeana a month ago. Random meeting. Probably wasn’t supposed to be more than that, but we clicked. I liked her, plenty. The part of the job that gets difficult is distance. She’s in Claremont while I live in Hawthorne. And that distance probably was the only thing stopping me from being in my first relationship. She’s seeing another guy. He’s a lucky duck. Who knows how they’ll end. If they’ll end. I generally believe all relationships stay together for the long term, even though there’s quite a bit of logic that says I’m a hopeless romantic who should read the spreadsheets. Relationships don’t last. Only the memories. Even if one of those memories is “I’m not looking for a relationship”, then she starts dating another guy. I’ve come to accept the (500) Days of Summer take on it. That is, I’ll have fun with you while you’re here, but I’m not going to pass up something else.
Sure, I haven’t seen her since that week where I saw her twice, but that instant connection isn’t something that can be ignored. Probably can be faked if you know how to synthesize pheromones, but as we’re not all chemists, you usually feel it. Still, I have reflected on past engagements, and yes, I’ve always fallen hard quickly. One of the benefits of this predisposition is that if it ends horribly, well…it’s better that it ends sooner rather than later.
Rejection in itself is rejection, as in, it sucks, but it’s a way of life. That said, my tendency to completely disconnect from people is a bit on the extreme. I would prefer people didn’t make themselves expendable. I would also prefer if I didn’t have a businesslike view on how to rectify problems. That said, I went through another spring cleaning on my Facebook and my phone. It pains me because I know that I liked these people at one point and time, and now, they’ll just be degraded to memories that I want gone. If Lacuna, Inc. was a real company, I’d probably make them very rich. I just wish things had been different. Not with all, just one. One was all I wanted. For these purposes, Jeana would’ve been nice. But I did tell her to give me a call after she returns from Asia.
I hope she does. If she’s single. Skibbedebebop. Much later.
Current Track – Fozzy feat. M. Shadows “Sandpaper”