Where We Lay

I get sad when I look at the current state of things. A promising academic career paused. Not as much money as I’m accustomed to spending. And more or less, my lovelife being the punchline to an extremely cruel joke. Some days, it doesn’t bother me as much. Other days, the talk of couples costumes and nights not spent alone get to me. Today is one of those times.

I met Jeana a month ago. Random meeting. Probably wasn’t supposed to be more than that, but we clicked. I liked her, plenty. The part of the job that gets difficult is distance. She’s in Claremont while I live in Hawthorne. And that distance probably was the only thing stopping me from being in my first relationship. She’s seeing another guy. He’s a lucky duck. Who knows how they’ll end. If they’ll end. I generally believe all relationships stay together for the long term, even though there’s quite a bit of logic that says I’m a hopeless romantic who should read the spreadsheets. Relationships don’t last. Only the memories. Even if one of those memories is “I’m not looking for a relationship”, then she starts dating another guy. I’ve come to accept the (500) Days of Summer take on it. That is, I’ll have fun with you while you’re here, but I’m not going to pass up something else.

Sure, I haven’t seen her since that week where I saw her twice, but that instant connection isn’t something that can be ignored. Probably can be faked if you know how to synthesize pheromones, but as we’re not all chemists, you usually feel it. Still, I have reflected on past engagements, and yes, I’ve always fallen hard quickly. One of the benefits of this predisposition is that if it ends horribly, well…it’s better that it ends sooner rather than later.

Rejection in itself is rejection, as in, it sucks, but it’s a way of life. That said, my tendency to completely disconnect from people is a bit on the extreme. I would prefer people didn’t make themselves expendable. I would also prefer if I didn’t have a businesslike view on how to rectify problems. That said, I went through another spring cleaning on my Facebook and my phone. It pains me because I know that I liked these people at one point and time, and now, they’ll just be degraded to memories that I want gone. If Lacuna, Inc. was a real company, I’d probably make them very rich. I just wish things had been different. Not with all, just one. One was all I wanted. For these purposes, Jeana would’ve been nice. But I did tell her to give me a call after she returns from Asia.

I hope she does. If she’s single. Skibbedebebop. Much later.

Current Track – Fozzy feat. M. Shadows “Sandpaper”


No More Planes

Almost a year later, I still have these dreams. I don’t know where they come from, but I know why I have them. Now, I’m beautiful, vain, and…still not quite happy and there. I’ve known this for some time, but a drive to Fullerton put things in perspective. Last year, I faked my death. Realistically, I didn’t die, or else I wouldn’t be able to post this long treatise. I feel I committed a grave crime in not living my life in good faith. And there’s a special place in hell for people who don’t operate in good faith. Since the grass is much greener on the other side, I thought of what the other Anthony would be doing now if he was present. After all, I didn’t get what I came for originally, so there’s the possibility that he would’ve succeeded where I have so far failed. And more or less, he’d be pissed he didn’t get more time to work out the offense. If he’s anything like me, I’m sure he’d be pissed, which is why I plan on writing a novel about it.

Back to Fullerton…I met a girl. We were hitting it off. And then, I reminded her of her adoptive father. Aside: I was on another recent date, and the girl said that I reminded her of someone from up north. I know what my personality is, so if I hear that I remind a girl of someone, I know the date is over. And, it was a most unmerciful end on both parts. You can’t go from being all over a guy and saying “sure, let’s do something” to “yeah, I think we’d make awesome friends.” What is the fascination with girls and wanting to remain friends after a bad date? Part of it, I believe is that girls don’t know it was a bad date. The other part is, I make a good friend. And I equate having a female friend to having a Ferrari in the garage, but not being able to drive it. A test drive would be nice, no matter how brief. I have a ton of Ferraris at the moment, and I’ve been trying to sell them off. Hell, I’ve been also trying to sell off my friends as well. When you hold people to lower standards and they constantly fail to live up to them, I grow a perturbed demeanor. You can’t make people grow up, but you sure as hell can piss them off where they can walk away from you, or come back apologetically. Usually, the latter happens. It is never wise to insult the girl I’m interested in when you previously dated the biggest cunt in our social circle. Yes, I used the word cunt. I’m not the only one who has used that line to describe her. That was the most egregious example of a lack of common sense, but it also explains why if I get a girlfriend, she won’t be exposed to all of my friends. And someone was irritated when I implied that he’s a significant part why I hold that belief. I can embarass you all I want, which shows you don’t have standards. I, on the other hand, have high standards as to what I will tolerate and what will get you excommunicated. But then…sigh, I have to find a girlfriend first for that to make any sense.

The new me thinks that perhaps the old rickety tour bus perhaps wasn’t the worst bus way to travel. Skibbedebebop. Much later

Current Track – Queen “Fat Bottomed Girls”