Sacrifice

I just called someone a miserable little cunt. Hooray me!

Anyhow, it’s been a few (insert appropriate time frame) since I’ve had my thoughts on display, and it’s probably for a good reason, since a cavalcade of events have somehow inspired and deflated me all at once. I had work drama, school drama, girl drama, and the occasional “what-the-fuck-ever” drama. I haven’t a clue where to start, but we’ll try a chronological order method.

Apparently, all is not right in salsa. I had my guesses that the dance program benefited from my departure, and for awhile, that seemed correct. At the end of last semester, I (gleefully) discovered that everything had gone to shit, namely friendships, relationships, money, and power. My level of involvement is tenuous at best, since I’m not officially a leader, but my elder statesmanship provides me with a high degree of access. I figure out who’s telling the truth, or what combination of stories equate to the truth, then I decide to pull the trigger and watch the mayhem happen. This year has not been kind to salsa would be like stating that a tsunami is just a small wave. I considered making a run to restore normalcy to salsa, but I’m not sure if I want my name attached to the garbage that has occurred.

Work has been something of a clusterfuck, but that would also be an understatement. I’ve seen people fired, manipulated, backstabbed, and to make things worse, it gave me anxiety problems. I don’t normally fidget or anything like that, but recently, my twitches have been early, often, and uncontrollable. I’ve sent emails, taken phone calls, and basically played the best game of chess in my life, save that one time I beat Garry Kasparov. I’ve never been in a real situation where I had to prove myself as the smartest person in the room, but also the most dangerous. So far, I stand tall, but weary, as a visionary, a monk, and a soldier at the same time. Do I stay at my job, or do I look for greener pastures? That’s a coin flip at the moment, which is very surprising? Why? Because I saw my best friend sacrificed due to conflicting egos and interests. No, this wasn’t work.

This was grad school. And yes, I have multiple best friends.

I can’t get into particulars here because the story continually unfolds as the day goes long. Academic politics are far worse than any other politics on the planet by a mile. However, what happened this week at the university will probably add to my status as a visionary, a monk, and a soldier at the same time. It does hurt, though. I never thought I’d be as moved by a person’s misfortune as I was in the past week. I never thought I could turn my back to a mentor and threaten a counterinsurgency. I never thought it’d be this hard to stifle my tears and get back to work. I also thought I’d get over Pippa, but that crap hasn’t happened either. Hang tough, Jenny; we’re all behind you, and we won’t let you fall.

Skibbedebebop. Much later.

Current Track – Infant Sorrow “The Clap”