Heavier Things

Going back to high school, I graduated with the thought of uniting with Christine at CSULB. The year, 2006, was a crazier time; I had bleached hair, two jobs, a Mexican week-long bender, a knack for jerseys, and the prospect of starting anew. My first year in Long Beach was pretty quiet, as I didn’t have my niche together. I had a one-track mind, and that was to get Christine. Things did not go as planned, and I haven’t talked to Christine in over a year or so. I saw her periodically, but those were not quite the circumstances I had pictured.

Four years later, I have just completed my undergraduate career at CSULB, in love with a girl who put a restraining order on me. This is wrong on a number of levels, but I can clearly state I’m sure of how I feel. Pippa put me through hell on more than one occasion, but I’ve felt lost when she wasn’t nagging me. I have no clue on what true love is, or what form it comes in, or even if I won’t end up alone. All of that’s up in the air because I have done a lousy job managing my personal life and subsequent affairs. For all I know, this is karma coming back to remind that not fully exploiting my talents is a sin. Everyone I know is more than happy to give me a free pass with what I’ve done and accomplished, and the promise of endless possibilities later. I have not done things perfectly, coasting when I can and outright conquering when I must. Little do they know what I have back in my mind that haunts the sleep I don’t get anymore. I can see success beyond even my wildest dreams, and I’ve had some pretty wild dreams. Jordan floated the idea of Stanford being the final destination, and I’ve warmed to the idea considerably. Once I did my research and found that I do not have to continue in their Communication program, I’ll be happy with Modern Thought and Literature. It sounds quirky, anyway, just like any degree in the discipline would sound. “Hey, I have a doctorate in Modern Thought and Literature. From Stanford. Swoon.”

I saw a picture of her at commencement with the same guy that was with her at Phil’s party last fall. I had the idea that she’d be there with my family watching me accept the title of graduate. I was so close…or at least it feels that way. In lieu of this, I’ve begun work on my gimmick for the fall that will turn heads. “Hello, I’m A.T. Guy. I’m a professor at CSULB. I have my own place. Yes, that’s my Ferrari.” I love it when relatives get new toys and share them with me because I’ve busted my ass. Still, the victory feels diluted. All the trophies, the honor, the valor, the prestige…I’d trade it in a heartbeat. Pippa was my heart. Skibbedebebop. Much later.

Current Track – Leona Lewis “Better in Time”

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