Depression is a bitch. I alternate between periods of genius and periods of immense grief. Semester’s approaching and this might be the only thing that’ll help me shake the kick I’m on. When I slept, it was moderately cleansing, considering over the last month I haven’t been able to eat, sleep, think…I thought high school was bad. Unlike high school, this was a relationship, and I’m feeling the…I’m feeling everything I’ve never felt. Valentine’s Day is coming soon…I don’t know if I’ll be in one piece when that day comes. Hell, I won’t be at peace anytime soon for that matter. I watched Spin City today, the episode where Mike’s girlfriend left him around New Year’s Day. I saw alarming parallels between his situation and mine. The guy tried to keep his composure, tried to convince friends that he was making it through it, only to break down at the end of the episode admitting “I begged her not to leave.” I didn’t beg her not to leave me, but I know I would have if we were face to face.
It was one week ago today that I found out she had a boyfriend. I’m not a big stickler for remembering dates as much as I remember trivial knowledge, but some days stick out more than others.
11/13/09- The day she came after me.
11/25/09- The day I met her parents (Thanksgiving).
12/5/09- The day she stayed over.
12/11/09- The day the walls broke.
12/23/09- The day I went to get her Christmas present, only for her to tell me she didn’t like it (lime green Converse).
12/25/09- Christmas that I spent going north on the 15 instead of south to Temecula
01/01/10- The day I let my emotions show, and they were ignored.
01/13/10- The day I told her she was my dream girl.
01/15/10- The day she got a boyfriend and I lost my mind.
The one question I’ve been repeatedly asking myself over the last few days is “where do I go from here?” I’m sick and tired of those six words; whatever happened to having a conclusive answer? The biggest problem I’m dealing with is being second best. I’ve fought for years not to be mediocre, and being mediocre imeans being anything other than the best. There’s no true way to define what being the best is in this case, because I did all I could. Any other girl would have been floored by my display. I was supposed to put down the sticks and not worry about playing video games and finding stuff to do on weekends. I liked having a loose playbook that I didn’t truly have to figure out what I was doing; I just knew who to plug into the passenger’s seat. Now, I’m alone, and there’s no telling what my next course of action entails. For once, a happy ending was in my clutch; it turned to sand, leaving me with what I thought was there. It isn’t there anymore…I’m not really here anymore.
Current Track – Downstait “I Came to Play”