Lies and the Liars That Tell Them

Depression is a bitch. I alternate between periods of genius and periods of immense grief. Semester’s approaching and this might be the only thing that’ll help me shake the kick I’m on. When I slept, it was moderately cleansing, considering over the last month I haven’t been able to eat, sleep, think…I thought high school was bad. Unlike high school, this was a relationship, and I’m feeling the…I’m feeling everything I’ve never felt. Valentine’s Day is coming soon…I don’t know if I’ll be in one piece when that day comes. Hell, I won’t be at peace anytime soon for that matter. I watched Spin City today, the episode where Mike’s girlfriend left him around New Year’s Day. I saw alarming parallels between his situation and mine. The guy tried to keep his composure, tried to convince friends that he was making it through it, only to break down at the end of the episode admitting “I begged her not to leave.” I didn’t beg her not to leave me, but I know I would have if we were face to face.

It was one week ago today that I found out she had a boyfriend. I’m not a big stickler for remembering dates as much as I remember trivial knowledge, but some days stick out more than others.

11/13/09- The day she came after me.
11/25/09- The day I met her parents (Thanksgiving).
12/5/09- The day she stayed over.
12/11/09- The day the walls broke.
12/23/09- The day I went to get her Christmas present, only for her to tell me she didn’t like it (lime green Converse).
12/25/09- Christmas that I spent going north on the 15 instead of south to Temecula
01/01/10- The day I let my emotions show, and they were ignored.
01/13/10- The day I told her she was my dream girl.
01/15/10- The day she got a boyfriend and I lost my mind.

The one question I’ve been repeatedly asking myself over the last few days is “where do I go from here?” I’m sick and tired of those six words; whatever happened to having a conclusive answer? The biggest problem I’m dealing with is being second best. I’ve fought for years not to be mediocre, and being mediocre imeans being anything other than the best. There’s no true way to define what being the best is in this case, because I did all I could. Any other girl would have been floored by my display. I was supposed to put down the sticks and not worry about playing video games and finding stuff to do on weekends. I liked having a loose playbook that I didn’t truly have to figure out what I was doing; I just knew who to plug into the passenger’s seat. Now, I’m alone, and there’s no telling what my next course of action entails. For once, a happy ending was in my clutch; it turned to sand, leaving me with what I thought was there. It isn’t there anymore…I’m not really here anymore.

Current Track – Downstait “I Came to Play”

Gee, That Sucked

So, Pippa has a boyfriend. I’ve juggled between being mature and being human; neither of them provides me the comfort that I’ve sought. Guy runs the improbable salsa juggernaut, but Anthony grows weaker each passing day. She lied…wasn’t looking for a relationship. Jumps into a relationship with someone she’s been on/off with for the whole time she came after me. Note, came after me; I didn’t pursue her. I secured her banishment. I relented, due to my inner sense of justice requiring me to be a mature individual. I lost my successor, I want her back, I’d take her back, but now…I’m not in the greatest of spirits now.

Pippa: are we going to talk at all
Guy: what’s there to talk about?
Auto response from Pippa: Your IM has been sent to my mobile device. When I receive it, I will be able to reply. Thanks for your IM! Want your IMs forwarded to your phone? Click here Guy: you have your boyfriend, and I’m sure you two will be great together
Pippa: Everything. I still want to be friends with you. You mean a lot to me…
Guy: your first responsibility is to your boyfriend
Guy: I respect that completely
Pippa: Bro’s before hoes
Guy: and that has to do with us how?
Pippa: Friends come first always
Guy: Pippa, you’re not quite understanding me as a person
Guy: I wanted someone by my side
Guy: not strictly limited to the friend sense
Pippa: I’m still by your side.
Guy: you told me you weren’t ready for a relationship…then I see this shit…naturally, I’m taken aback, because I considered that treason
Guy: no, you’re someone else’s girlfriend
Guy: I respect that as a committed institution, and seeing as the guy and I were jockeying for the same thing, I obviously lost, and I humbly accept that
Pippa: But i still want to be your friend. I want to be useful to you.
Guy: of course, by losing, I’ve elected to run a scorched earth offense, and that means that we can no longer have any sort of interaction at all
Guy: I’m looking for a girl, you’re taken
Guy: you didn’t want a relationship with me, and now, considering how you behaved and your refusal to admit that you made mistakes, why bother?
Pippa: I’m still coming to salsa. I wasn’t ready when you wanted me to be but this time off i got to relax and i wasn’t stressed about school. I have made mistakes
Guy: you’re taken; there’s no point in me doing anything with you because you’re taken
Pippa: You’re saying you aren’t friends with any girls who are taken
Guy: none I had a longstanding interest in, and I can count the girls on my hand that I am friends with
Guy: if you come back to salsa, you won’t be allowed on the team
Guy: I’ve got a couple of unanimous motions that allow for you to be shunned
Guy: you broke my heart, used me, ran off with another guy
Guy: looking at a completely utilitarian standpoint, you have everything to gain by me rescinding my edicts; on my end, I’m not getting any ass
Guy: instead, I have the idea that I introduced you to all of my friends, forced you down their throats, met your parents, and ended everything horribly
Guy: you have happiness with your boyfriend, while I’m left picking up the pieces and literally being second, possibly third best
Guy: I gave myself to you
Pippa: I’m not happy at all right now. You’re doing a very good job at it.
Guy: you were never happy with me
Guy: you had two choices, me or him, and you chose him, and I wish you the best
Guy: however, what you left on the table is me and my empire, and I will protect it at all costs
Guy: you’re worried about your happiness? I gave you my world, and now I have the same empty world before you
Guy: at least you have someone
Pippa: I think his appeal is that he lives far enough away but close enough that i can still feel independent
Guy: are you having a conversation with me, or someone else, because I don’t know where you’re going with that
Pippa: I was having one with you’ can i talk to you when i’m on my computer
Guy: sure enough, and when you do, you have five points to address
Guy: 1) you have a boyfriend, and with your boyfriend, you’ve lost me
Guy: 2) by losing me, I have contacted my salsa brethren, and they unanimously agreed to excommunicate you due to your actions towards me
Guy: 3) you’re in a committed relationship; your boyfriend, rather than me, should be your primary entertainment, because I’m not settling for second best
Guy: 4) you weren’t ready for a relationship, jumped into one…and didn’t include me. I’m obviously pissed.
Guy: 5) most importantly, stop thinking about your own feelings; I’m the one that really got fucked over this time
Pippa: hi
Guy: make your case
Pippa: why do i have to lose a friend when i have a boyfriend? im not married to him. he isnt the only person in the universe that i have to care about.
Guy: that type of logic doesn’t fly here
Pippa: you were never entertainment to me. you were a friend.
Guy: that would not have matter if he was here instead of me
Pippa: i can understand why youd be pissed but i never promised to be in a relationship with you
Guy: there’s a couple of valid points
Guy: I never said you promised
Guy: but you knew how I felt
Guy: I’m sure you can make other friends, but I’m inclined to keep you away from me and my environment
Pippa: you arent like other people
Pippa: i know i can be replaced but you cant
Guy: you made your choice, and knew that this was a possibility
Pippa: so basically my nightmare last night is becoming a reality
Guy: you can’t have it all
Guy: you never promised you’d be in a relationship
Guy: but I did promise that if things went badly, I’d exercise my right
Pippa: can i ask you something
Guy: be my guest
Pippa: do you still care about me
Guy: yes, but my happiness is of paramount importance at this point
Guy: I planned a future with you
Guy: now, there’s no future
Guy: and I’m taking back what’s mine
Pippa: anthony this isnt the end of the world and it doesnt have to be the end of our friendship. people date, its what they do. michael probably isnt going to be my last boyfriend before i get married. i dont understand why you’re throwing away our friendship
Guy: you threw away our friendship
Guy: the minute you opted to choose him without even telling me before me finding out via a fluke status update, you threw it away
Guy: I do not have a chance with you, and I’m man enough to admit that
Pippa: was i supposed to ask you before dating him?
Guy: there’s a little thing called courtesy
Guy: tact
Guy: this isn’t the end of the world, this is the start of a new world
Pippa: it happened at midnight last night
Guy: you can have your boyfriend, and I’ll take my organization
Guy: I really don’t want to hear about it now
Pippa: i woke up from my dream, txted you, fell back asleep. my phone was on silent, i didnt check my phone again (forgetting it was on silent and thinking i had no txts) until after you sent the one when you found out.
Pippa: i still want to dance. dancing makes me happy
Guy: that’s nice
Guy: I don’t have any influence at swing club, so you do have Mondays
Pippa: i like salsa.
Pippa: you know i like salsa better than swing.
Guy: there are salsa clubs in Long Beach I’m sure you can go to
Pippa: im going to salsa club at LB
Pippa: csulb
Guy: no, no you’re not
Guy: I called an emergency meeting with the board, and I got my six unanimous votes
Pippa: from who
Guy: each one of the salsa board members agreed to your banishment
Guy: and if you try out for the team, as of now, your application will not be considered
Guy: to be blunt, we’re not sleeping together anymore, therefore the privilege ends
Guy: I get to live with the idea that I’m one of the few fools to buy a girl lingerie…only for another guy to benefit
Pippa: what happens if i show up
Guy: campus security
Pippa: because i wouldnt date you
Guy: not so much you wouldn’t, but how you wouldn’t
Guy: I have plenty of questions, I’m sure you have answers, but none of this really matters
Guy: the end result is simple
Guy: I asked for a banishment, and it was granted
Pippa: ask away. please. even if it doesnt matter
Guy: I’ll pass
Guy: the fact is, you took something away from me, and now I’m simply taking something away from you
Guy: you couldn’t possibly believe that I would take this nicely…being shunned for another guy without even a personal notification, after all we’ve done
Guy: after all I said over the last couple of days, I gave up a shot with someone interested in me, because I wanted to nurture you
Guy: and this is my punishment
Guy: I took the blame for a plethora of shit that may or may not have been my fault, trying to make you happy
Guy: I beat my own nerves meeting your parents, and now feel like a fool, because they probably knew the whole time I was just a number, not a real strong candidate
Pippa: you were a strong candidate
Guy: and now, not a candidate at all
Guy: I put myself out there for you; gave up more than I knew pursuing you, all to fall to another guy
Pippa: i never forced you to do or give up anything and i cant control my feelings.
Guy: no, you did not, no, you cannot
Guy: but you can accept reality
Guy: you broke my heart
Guy: the status quo must be changed
Guy: I do wish you and your new boyfriend well
Guy: when school starts, I’ll give your pajamas back, and I’m requested the Victoria’s Secret be returned to my possession

As stated earlier, I relented a bit and now, she’s able to make a name in salsa based off her own talents, without me pulling strings and providing resources. With that said, there’s a price to pay; I can’t be around my beloved program if she does come back; the heartache would be a bit much. I can’t really deal with that at this point.

Where does that leave me? Simply put, in a very nebulous spot where I am to be exiled instead of her. I took the club as it lay dying and brought it back to prominence. It is just a salsa club, but only with my presence does it transcend and ferment itself into an empire. Without me, there is no empire, and guardian for her to make salsa seem less like a science, but rather an art which she enjoyed. My departure leaves a void that can’t be filled due to my high level of charisma and willpower. She wants to be included, and as a good sport, she’ll get the chance to start fresh at the same place I did.

She can have salsa; she’ll never take the empire.