Conspiracy of One: It’s Sunny in Victorville

My mother thinks I make a great chauffeur; she also thinks I’m stupid to a certain degree. Unfortunately, she doesn’t know I’m very capable of calling bullshit on certain matters.

I finished summer school, and it’s one week before I resume my scholastic endeavors. As much of a bitch as summer school was, 22 units will be a relief. Also, the fact that I get my own cave shortly is a blessing. Why do you ask? What about your spacious room? What about all the amenities that come free of charge, such as decent food and storage of all clothes? And a loving mother?

Well, when your mother takes a sharp left turn at Bitch Ave., you must run.

Guaranteed, she flipped out on me last week and wouldn’t let up. It was bad enough that she was trying to force me to drive to my uncle’s place, or be homeless. Needless to say, she threw me out. Under no circumstances should anyone be subjected to any pressure because they just may be smarter than the parents. I walked around Hawthorne with nothing for four hours late Friday night/early Saturday morning, ran into some seedy people, got mugged, and let’s just say, it’s very unpleasant. I was allowed to come back home later, and was woken up so I could still be forced to drive with less than four hours of sleep. She tried to make smalltalk, something I can’t stand. When you piss a person off, then force them to do something against their will (or better judgment), an apology is necessary. I could give two shits over what happened at work; I want a damn apology. I took a wrong turn on the freeway (because I obviously have never been to our destination), and she started “asking God for peace to get her through this.” Things like this make me shocked I haven’t gone atheist, but I digress. I promise there will be a full-on separation of church and state if I have my way; extremists on either side of the aisle will be subsequently extinguished.

I did enjoy a few things from the trip. I saw a cousin I haven’t seen in years, and told him his ass better go to college. There’s nothing more fun than being a pain in the ass while being absolutely correct.

My uncle has a nice house. Too bad he moved inland, because it’s hella hot there. I don’t believe in NorCal vernacular, but there’s no other way to describe it. I could definitely use his house as a blueprint for my estate in ten years, but it will be by the heart of the South Bay, or further south. I’m spoiled when it comes to weather, and I don’t intend to be humble.

Now, back to why my mother and I can’t stay in the same house. One thinks that being a parent is equivalent to being God while referencing him at every point. I find Bible thumpers hilarious, but rank up there with Islamic extremists…well, any extremist from any religion. It’s why I try to keep an open mind at all times, because hell, I don’t want to offend anyone unless I specifically choose to be offensive. Being ignorant and offensive is a cardinal sin in my book. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

My mother was not done embarrassing me, despite I’m trying my best to get thoughts out my head of interring her in a nursing home. Lo and behold, she jokes about the story with my uncle and everyone in attendance. I’m exceedingly pissed off, she’s exceedingly dubious of her insensitivity, and everyone else is in shock. I excused myself from the room, spoke to my uncle about the whole story of having my name slandered for no reason, and went to bed. I later heard that he tore into my mother who may/may not have understood she was clearly in the wrong. She’s sort of coming around, but I’m not quite in a forgiving mood…as if I’ve ever been. That’s why I don’t mind going into debt moving into a room half the size of home.

I’m told to think about if the proverbial shoe was on the other foot; she sure as hell didn’t. I will work harder and swifter to make sure I don’t have to come back home, because being threatened with eviction everytime there is a contrary thought is uncool. After hearing her thoughts on how she can improve my life earlier this summer, I’ll be damned if I don’t prove her wrong. Comparing one’s self to others is only effective when self imperfection isn’t ignored. Sure, her other friends are more strict, but their kids are also epic failures. I, on the other hand, reside on the other end of the spectrum. Hell, you tell a guy to be different, but a bit of hair bleach makes you queasy? If you can’t understand my logic when I use it in simple terms, then well, we can’t coexist. Sure, you’re ahead of me now, but the tide will change.

And I can guarantee you that I will remember the bad times, as well as the good. What’s that you say? What kind of person discloses their plans before they execute them?

The kind that knows he can’t…or won’t be stopped. Tell ’em where the play’s going before the snap, yet there is nothing that can be done about it. For fuck’s sake, I wish people would just admit she is, and can be wrong. Skibbedebebop. Much later.

Current Track – Máire Brennan “Come Josephine In My Flying Machine”


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